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interviews about berts behavior

Warning: not intended for children so close youre $%#!-ing eyes

interview with ernie
 Interviewer: How long have you known Bert?

Ernie: Oh, over 20 years now.

Interviewer: have you always lived together?

Ernie: Yes, for as long as I remember.

Interviewer: How has it been living with him?

Ernie: It has been really difficult.

Interviewer: Difficult? Can you elaborate.

Ernie:Well you see... um.. Bert is kinda has a dual personality... during the show, he's a pushover and very geeky. But when the camera stops rolling he becomes a raging maniac.

Interviewer:Maniac.. how do you mean?

Ernie: Well he hurts me and stuff.

Interviewer: Why do you still live with him then?

Ernie: He says if I leave the apartment he'll kill me and Rubber Duckie.

Interviewer: He can't possibly be serious.

Ernie: He is, he is very capable of this. Once, me and Duckie tried to escape... He almost strangled me to death.

Interviewer: Why does he force you to stay?

Ernie: I think he needs company, you know when he overdoses and stuff, also he likes to touch me. He ------CUT------

Interviewer: Here, here, please stop crying. (pause) Are you okay now?

Ernie: (sniff) Yes, please continue.

Interviewer: You mentioned overdosing... overdosing on what?

Ernie: Bert experiments with all kinds of stuff, L.S.D., Speed, Ecstasy, Heroin, Cocaine, Cannabis... he taught me all the names... I hate him most when he is high.

Interviewer: Why?

Ernie: It's when he's high when he makes me do stuff.

Interviewer: What kind of stuff?

Ernie: He makes me go to the Pigeon shed and ------CUT------

Interviewer: What??!!

Ernie: Please I cannot talk anymore... I gotto go.

The Interview ended abruptly with Ernie hysterically shaking and in tears.... We persued no longer, this soul was already in too much pain.

1on 1 with kermit 

Interviewer: How well do you know Bert?

Kermit: I've known him for over fifteen years now.

Interviewer: Has he always been violent?

Kermit: Actually, no - I think it all started with the Bottle caps?

Interviewer: Could you explain?

Kermit: Well he had this bottle cap collection.. and one day he lost one, he was searching all over Sesame Street for it, well he went around raging, threatening to kill. He was so paranoid, he was blaming it on poor old Grover. He was shaking Grover around beating him up.

Interviewer: Then what?

Kermit: Well good ol' Mr. Hooper found a solution... he got a bottlecap that looked exactly like the one Bert lost and gave it to him. He pretended that he found it.

Interviewer: How often did these episodes of madness happen?

Kermit: Often after that. He would be caught stealing Maria's underwear. He tried to rape Prairie Dawn a few times.

Interviewer:Prairie Dawn?

Kermit: She's one of the girl Muppets here in Sesame, Bert's affections of love were turned down by her a few times... then Bert got violent. He would corner her into dark corners of the Street, and assault her. Bert is a really evil person, I wish he would be put to jail.

Interviewer: Why have you made no actions toward this?

Kermit: He threatens to kill us, he has friends in a Columbian Drug Mafia you know. He says if anyone reports... he's gonna have them skinned alive. We are all scared.



1on1 with miss piggy
 
Interviewer: Hello Miss Piggy and thank you for taking the time out of your busy schedule to speak to me.

Miss Piggy: That's okay, you handsome Muppet. So what is it you want to ask me?

Interviewer: Well, we all know what you've been up to recently -

Miss Piggy: What…?

Interviewer: Ahem, you've been very busy with Kermit and some may say that your recent spree of TV appearances has left you little time to yourself.

Miss Piggy: This is true - but the money's good and I'm enjoying it. I've worked hard and now I'm getting some reward via my bank account.

Interviewer: Congratulations! One could say that you certainly reap where you sow.

Miss Piggy: Excuse me - what did you say?

Interviewer: Um, you, er, reap where you sow…?

Miss Piggy: Sorry, I thought you said something else.

(NB: It's at this point that Miss Piggy becomes flushed and looks uncomfortable).

Miss Piggy: I'm sorry, you're a good man - it's just I'm on edge at the moment.

Interviewer: That's not like you, Miss Piggy.

Miss Piggy: It's not me though, it's…it's…

Interviewer: Sorry, I don't follow.

(NB: Miss Piggy has broken down into tears and is sobbing)

Miss Piggy: I did nothing wrong - he manipulated me and gave me false pretences.

Interviewer: Who are we talking about here…?

Miss Piggy: You know… Him!

Interviewer: No, sorry - who?

Miss Piggy: Bert, you fool. He's…he's just wrong - like some kind of mad man…he's uncontrollable…vicious. He's just…just…

Interviewer: He's what?

Miss Piggy: EVIL

(NB: Miss Piggy's once anger has now returned to heavy crying).

Interviewer: What brings you to this conclusion?

Miss Piggy: I'm going to be honest because I need to talk about it. When I first met Bert he was kind and generous. He won my trust but then he abused it…and me!!

Interviewer: Could you explain?

Miss Piggy: First he just asked me to start a few rumours for a joke - he was my friend but I wasn't sure. Then it turned to heavier stuff - like betraying my friends. The pressure on me was great - he was angry, abusive and offensive.

Interviewer: And did you, you know, betray your friends?

Miss Piggy: Of course not, I may be blond but I'm not stupid. But when I said no…

(NB: Miss Piggy is still in tears).

Interviewer: What did he do to you, Miss Piggy - it's all right, I'm listening.

Miss Piggy: He waited until the street was empty. Ernie was the last to leave. He took me to a doorway in a blind alley. I thought he was going to apologise.

Interviewer: What happened?

Miss Piggy: He had a look of revenge, a sinister glare and he was fearless that day - he was determined…

 

Interviewer: What did he do?

Miss Piggy: He…he pinned me against the door and started singing our theme tune in C# major.

Interview: Is that all?

Miss Piggy: No, he lifted up my skirt, put a brown paper bag over my head, removed his belt and ----------------

Interviewer: So Elmo, how long have you lived on Sesame Street?

Elmo: Elmo guess it's been about 8 years now. Elmo the newest one here.

Interviewer: What was it like when you first moved here?

Elmo: Oh, it was really nice! Everyone was so nice to Elmo! It was like a dream! Then Elmo met Bert...

Interviewer: Yes?

Elmo: yes.

Interviewer: Um, yeah?

Elmo: Uh, huh.

Interviewer: What happened when you met Bert?

Elmo: Oh, sorry. Elmo been having trouble staying focused lately (this was later attributed to Elmo's drug abuse) Well, everyone has been telling Elmo to stay away from Bert. Elmo thought they were kidding. But--

Interviewer: They weren't.

Elmo: Not at all! When Elmo first met Bert, Bert pretended to be Elmo's friend. Bert showed Elmo around. Then Bert started to do mean things.

Interviewer: Like what?

Elmo: One thing Bert liked to do was make "special cookies" for Cookie Monster. Cookie ate one during a taping, Cookie's his eyes got all googly and Cookie went berserk, shoving cookies into Cookie's mouth. Bert laughed the whole time. Bert said Bert did it a lot.

Interviewer: That's horrible! What did you do?

Elmo: Nothing really. Elmo just thought it was a dumb joke. Then came the party.

Interviewer: Party?

Elmo: Yes, Elmo's welcoming party. Bert started drinking and Bert ----cut----

Interviewer: Dear God!!

Elmo: Yeah. Right there in front of everybody. After that, Elmo tried to stay away from Bert.

Interviewer: Did it work?

Elmo: Not really. For a month or so Bert still pestered Elmo to help Bert in Bert's pranks. One time Bert dragged Elmo along and told Forgetful Jones that Clamentine [his wife] had died. It was awful. Poor Mr. Jones was in tears. After about five minutes, Mr. Jones would forget and Bert would do it again. This went on for hours.

Interviewer: So what finally happened?

Elmo: Elmo told Bert Elmo didnt want to be Bert's friend anymore. Bert stayed pretty calm, looked Elmo right in the eye and said "----cut----" Elmo was so scared...

[Elmo broke down into tears - too shaken to speak further]
Interviewer: Elmo, you're a very brave little muppet for doing this interview. I wish you luck.

For some reason, this interview never made it to the papers. I attempted to track down the interviewer to ask him why, only to discover that he'd vanished a mere three days after the interview took place. Coincidence? Maybe.

1on1 with mr ducky

Interviewer (name concealed) : * Rubber Duckie comes in and waddles to his seat.

Interviewer: Hello Mr. Duckie, I am here to ask you questions about "Bert and Ernie".

Interviewer: *Mr Duckie squeaks rapdily

Rubber Duckie : Lets get this over with, I have personal matters to take care of.

Interviewer: Ok, Mr Duckie , first off. How long have you known Bert and Ernie?

Rubber Duckie : Well, as long as Ernie first took me into the tub..

Interviewer: Did Ernie ever say why he took you into the tub?

Rubber Duckie : Well he told me he needed a companion to have fun with.

Interviewer: And how did you feel about that?

Rubber Duckie : Oh, well I was fine with it until Bert and him started to Change.

Interviewer: Change?

Rubber Duckie : Well, it all started with a bottle cap collection. I heard that Bert beat Grover close to his death. Most of the things that happend to Bert I heard from everyone else. But some things I saw first-hand when I was with Ernie.

Interviewer: Like what?

Interviewer: *Mr Duckie looks around nervously

Rubber Duckie : Well. Sometimes he would come home high and make Ernie do things.
One time I remembr he came home with the needle still in his arm, he smacked Ernie around and said Ernie was his *****. He made Ernie go to the Pigeon Shed, Ernie came back with Mayonase all over is face and he was crying. Bert told him if he ever acted up like that again, that this would be his punishment.

Interviewer: Was that all that happend?

Rubber Duckie : Oh, no there are alot of other times Bert went crazy. Another time was a time when Bert overdosed. Ernie packed up all of his clothes and came and got me out of the bathroom. He was sneaking towards the door and Bert woke up. He started to scream and curse at us.
Bert picked me up and threw me into the bathroom, and I remember seeing Ernie get tackled and Bert was strangeling him. Thats when.. well.. Ernie doesnt like talking about it, but Bert had these biker guys who would come over and pay Bert to have their way with Ernie. That was when Bert started to Change Ernie.

Interviewer: *Mr Duckie looks around slowly

Interviewer: Do you need a few moments to collect yourself?

Rubber Duckie : No... I've been through too much, I have no emotions anymore. I'm the strong one. Before Ernie changed, he would cry if Bert looked at him. Bert really messed up his head. I mean Bert is crazy, he has half of the cast on drugs, and the other half fears him. He is a madman.

Interviewer: Ok, earlier you said Ernie changed, how?

Rubber Duckie : Well, Bert would take him out to Strip Clubs, get him high and drunk. Then Ernie would come home all relaxed, and get in the tub with me He would rub me all over his body and get excited.

Interviewer: Oh my god, I'm sorry.

Rubber Duckie : Thanks, but that was'nt the whole thing that happend. A few times they came home they would have contests to see who could jump on me the hardest. I didnt blame Ernie for it, I blamed Bert. He was the root of the problem. Thats when I noticed the rest of the cast was starting to act funny...

Interviewer: Funny?

Rubber Duckie : Well. Elmo started to skip words in his sentence. I mean, it was weird, Big Bird always had a pipe in his hand , Cookie Monster was eating the cookies by Industrial Bags. Kermit was always with Big Bird and his pipe. Well.. Oscar was'nt a Grouch , he was all calm and his eyes were
red. But when they got back on camera , they acted the same. But you
should see them off the set. Whoever wasnt doing drugs was getting
violently beaten by Bert and Ernie. And whoever was doing drugs was
paying Bert and Ernie for more. And Miss Piggy , she started to dress
like a whore. Cars were constantly stopping next to her to pick her up.
When she came back she would hand all of her money to Bert.

Interviewer: Wow.. *Man walks into the room and tells Duckie he has a phone call

Interviewer: Ok , I'll wait.

Interviewer: *Duckie comes back minutes later

Rubber Duckie : I am sorry but that was Bert. He was yelling at me asking where I was.
I had to say I was with Ernie , I know I am going to pay for this later. But
you will get another interview from me , I promise.

Interviewer: *Duckie waddles away.


people get beat on s street kids the show is realy #$@!-ed up if you know what I mean

recent actions have caused suspicion against bert by public
who was taken in for many acounts